Moving with Children

What are your kids concerned about?

Preschool children tend to worry about being left behind or separated from their parents. Infants, toddlers and preschoolers are not yet able to understand the meaning of the move. They are affected more by the reactions and availability of their caretakers.

Try to be as relaxed about the move as possible. Preschool children pick up on anxiety levels and may believe that the moving chaos is related to something they have done wrong. Your time and attention are very important, so try to take a break to hold and play with your child.

Little kids do best when things are predictable; keeping to a routine with familiar things and people eases the transition for them. Regular eating and nap times are important. Avoid making other changes at the same time as the move such as toilet training or transferring to a new bed, so as not to overwhelm and confuse a young child.

Try to unpack and organize the child’s bedroom and playroom first. Remember, too, that small children may not understand that their toys and special belongings are going with them. It may help to pack their things last and to involve them when unpacking in the new location.

School-age kids may be concerned with how their daily routines will be affected. They are likely to be concerned about fitting in with new peers and dealing with different academic demands. Their general personality and social style may influence their adjustment. School-age children often are quite excited about a family move and love to become involved in the planning process. Use their enthusiasm and energy to help you get some of your moving tasks done.

Relationships with peers are very important for school-agers. Although they can understand the separation from friends and neighbors, they may not have the maturity to deal with their emotions. Most school-agers are quite positive before and even immediately after the move. A month or so after the move, however, they may become angry, especially if they have not had much success forming a new group of friends. School-agers still have a very active imagination and may have thought that the move would somehow make their lives wonderful. When reality sets in, therefore, they may experience confusion, frustration and anger. If possible, investigate the neighborhood before you move. Are there other children your child can play with? If not, where can your child go to meet friends? Is there a community center or club nearby?

If possible, arrange to visit the school before enrolling your child. Be sure to point out important places like the school cafeteria, library, and restrooms. Kids worry about being able to find their way around. Take pictures of your child, new home and community and encourage your child to share them with others. A goodbye party is also a good idea. It can help ease the pain of good-byes, make the move a concrete event and help the child accept reality. Moving can be a challenging experience for a family-especially for children. When faced with a move, it is important to remember that children’s reactions vary depending on their personality, age, experience and family dynamics.

Teenagers are concerned primarily with fitting in and having their social life disrupted. Teens will be able to understand the nuances of the decision to move, but may also be resistant to change. At a time when they are establishing important relationships outside of the family, they may feel the move threatens their evolving identity. It can be disruptive to the stability they have already established with a core group of friends or with an athletic or academic path they are pursuing.

Parents need to give teens time and space when preparing for a move. Many parents postpone telling kids about the move, hoping that it will make things easier. Generally it is best to tell them right away. The "grief work" of breaking relationships and saying good-byes takes time and is best done before the move. Even though teens seem much more advanced in their social skills, they may worry a lot about making friends in the new location.

Be sure to visit their school and check out local activities and employment opportunities for young people. Communities have their own culture and way of doing things, and this is often reflected in the way teens dress. How they look is very important to teens. Before investing in a new school wardrobe, you and your teen may want to do some quiet observation or visiting with new neighbors to see what is "in." Purchasing a "special" outfit can often help a teen feel more comfortable.

Parents also can help teens by paying sincere attention to their feelings. Accept your teen's feelings without getting defensive or lecturing. If a teen can express feelings openly and work through the "sense of loss" with parental support, they will be much less likely to express anger and depression in a harmful way.

Let’s Talk…

Remember that effective communication involves listening and understanding. Leave pauses in conversations to give children a chance to ask questions. Make sure they know you’re willing to listen to them and discuss their viewpoint. Reassure them that the whole family is moving together; no one will be left behind.

As children react to news of the move, be empathetic and respect their feelings. Perhaps your child will express anger about moving. At first, you might be tempted to point out that you are trying to provide a nicer home and lifestyle and that they should be grateful. That type of comment may alienate a child and induce guilt.

Give your child adequate notice to get used to the idea of moving. Acknowledge their sadness about leaving behind friends and familiar places. Let them know you are sympathetic and that you understand that they might feel nervous about what awaits them- whether it is new people, the new school or the new bus ride. At the same time, tell them you will try to make the move as easy as possible for the entire family.

If you are also experiencing stress about the move, be open with your feelings. At the same time, keep in mind that your own anxiety might rub off on your child. For that reason, try maintaining and communicating an optimistic attitude about what lies ahead. Model appropriate coping strategies and be sure to take good care of yourself.

Talk about the decision. Explain the reason for the move in language appropriate to the child's age. If the move is for the better, explain how it will benefit them. If the move will mean difficult changes, parents should be honest about things that will and will not change. Include older children, if possible, in appropriate decision-making. Although children may not have veto power about the move, allow them control over certain areas of their life such as the color of their new bedroom or their choice of after-school activities.

Staying Positive

Children tend to think about the negatives when faced with a move. There is the loss of friends and, along with it, loss of a sense of belonging. In the new community the children will be strangers and may need to learn some different social rules. In changing schools they might have to leave behind extracurricular activities - a sports team, a school drama program - that were important to them. Upon arriving at their new school, they may find themselves either academically ahead of or behind their new classmates, depending on the curriculum in the previous school.

In helping your child prepare for a move, place as much emphasis as possible on the positive aspects of what awaits him. This is an opportunity for your child to live in and learn about a new city, perhaps even a new country and its people. He may be exposed to new cultural traditions and interesting and different ways of life. It also is a chance to meet new people and make new friends. Explain how the family will benefit from the move.

Saying Goodbye

If your child wants to keep his old friendships, help him do so. Host a farewell party with his friends, and take photographs as keepsakes. Encourage him to write letters, email and make phone calls. If possible, visit the old neighborhood from time to time, and invite some of his old friends to spend weekends and vacations with you. Let him know that even though you have moved, he does not have to break the ties that have been so important. Social networking, gaming sites and video chat also provide good communication options for older children.

Connect, Connect, Connect

Perhaps the most important thing you can do to help with the transition is to make connections in your new home. This is especially hard to do when you are busy unpacking and organizing, but it is essential to the success of the move.

As you meet new people through local schools, groups or organizations, you can be opening some doors for your child to make new friends. Reach out to people who have children the same age as your own child. Invite them over to make it easier for your child to meet other children. Investigate community sports activities and clubs. As your child sees you finding your place in the new community, he will feel more comfortable and secure doing the same. If you are successful in finding a new friend for your child before school starts, your child will have the security of knowing someone on the first day of school.

If your employer offers relocation and transition services, try to take advantage of the help that is offered. These consultants are skilled in helping families connect in their new communities by matching interests with clubs, schools, recreational options, community resources, etc. A transition coach is specially trained to address the feelings and challenges that moving families experience.

Timing

Researchers tell us that adults and children need time to adjust - often as long as 16 months. For some families, the most stressful time is 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after the move. For many families, however, the time of the move is one when

everyone pitches in and works together as a team. It is only a month or so after the move that the reality of friends and places left behind begins to sink in. Frustration, anger, and confusion are common emotions at this time. Moving is stressful for adults and is particularly stressful for children, as they have limited coping skills.

Be patient. Some children will jump in, develop a support network of friends, and become involved with school and activities without missing a beat. Other kids may need more time and help to acclimate and feel at ease.

When making a global move, it is important to keep “culture shock” in mind. After a few months of the “honeymoon” period when the new location is exciting and fun, a period of discontent sets in during which the family will slowly begin to accept the new culture. There can be periods of positive feelings during this time mixed with anger and frustration- especially when the new location is compared to the positive aspects of “home.” This normally improves after 9-12 months. Learning the local language and customs goes a long way towards faster assimilation.

Special Needs Kids

For children with special needs, parents should plan ahead for referrals and resources. Maintaining consistent services and proactively setting up systems for children with educational, medical, or mental health needs can ease the transition, help maintain progress, and deal with problems resulting from the move. Current tutors, teachers, mental health and medical professionals should be consulted and asked for recommendations and help in obtaining services in the new location.

If you suspect that your child may have undiagnosed conditions, try to obtain an evaluation and treatment plan before relocating globally. It is important to note that some medications that are commonly prescribed in the US may not be available in all countries. It is also important to find new providers who are willing and able to treat in your child’s native or strongest language.

Ask For Help

Your child may need professional help if she or he is having trouble adjusting. A guidance counselor or professional therapist may be able to help your child make a successful adjustment. Long-term anxiety, depression, significant disruptions in sleep, poor socialization, and falling grades may indicate that children need professional mental health services to help them adjust to their new environment. Seek help early.